CJDaily's Blog

August 10, 2009

Turns out I’m not that highly evolved after all…

Filed under: Uncategorized — cjdaily @ 11:10 am

There are two kinds of people in this world.  The kind who would never dream of peeling a sunburn (their own or anyone else’s), picking a scab, or pulling out a loose tooth.  The other kind of person will pursue these macabre pleasures with a sort of religious devotion. 

It’s easy to tell these people apart.  To do so, show them your painful, peeling, blistery sunburn.  If they cringe and go, “Ew!  How awful!” they are the first type of person–a “non-picker,” if you will.  But if you show them your dreadful sunburn and their eyes light up with delight, much like a vampire seeing a pulsing artery, they are type two–a “picker.” Pickers will happily peel your sunburn for hours, delighting in detaching large sheets of skin from your body.  They revel in the “shhh-shing” sound of that skin peeling away.  They will show you a big piece of dead skin they have just scraped away with the same pride with which a big game hunter might display a large carcass.  Your whimpers of pain or irritated protests will go virtually unnoticed as a picker will follow you across the kitchen, exclaiming delightedly as your dead skin wicks away from your back while they employ their fingernails or any handy kitchen implement to get the best peel going. 

“Shh, shh, just hold still a minute!  This is a big one!” a picker will crow, pinning you against the counter.  Your discomfort comes second to their religious pursuit.  No matter if they are in the supermarket, on the beach, or in the privacy of their own home, the picker will inexorably be drawn to scratch, to pick, to flake away each and every scrap of dead skin until none remains.

And just say a picker has a small child, one whose scalp gets unfortunately sunburned at the beach.  While the picker feels bad for their precious babys’ red scalp, a day or two later when it presents itself as a flaky, peeling mess, a picker will be faced with a moral dilemma.  Do you let the whole thing resolve itself, ignoring the peeling flakes just begging to be picked out of the child’s hair?  Or do you pin them down, head bent over theirs like a primordial gorilla, carefully extracting each flake of skin like you are looking for lice?   

DO YOU EVEN HAVE TO ASK?!  Excuse me while I go tackle my child!

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