CJDaily's Blog

June 3, 2009

A sighting of the elusive Duck-billed, Itchy-belly, Ham-hands Girl.

Filed under: Uncategorized — cjdaily @ 1:38 pm

Last night my stomach suddenly started itching just before I went to bed.  I was casually scratching at it, not paying much attention, but within half an hour I was trying to claw my skin off.  I lifted my shirt to check out the itchies and almost died of shock.  My stomach was bright red and bumpy, covered in sporadic welts that trailed up to my chest. 

Fleas?  Tiny spiders?  Rogue mosquito?  I hurriedly changed my clothes and shoved them in the laundry basket, just in case it was the fabric softener or something.  I thought about taking some benedryl but it makes me a total zombie, capable of sleeping for 56 hours at one go, so I skipped it and went to bed, hoping it wouldn’t get worse.  It took me a while to fall asleep, as I was so paranoid by that time that I thought I felt tiny bugs under my shirt every few minutes.  

Belle woke up unusually early (um, 4:30 am) and so after giving her some milk to settle down, I went into the bathroom and flipped on the light.  And very nearly SCREAMED.  My upper lip looked like a duck-billed platypus.  My lower lip was a littler fuller than usual, but my upper lip was so immensely swollen it very nearly eclipsed it.  I looked like Lisa Rinna, without the razor-sharp cheekbones.  I looked like Darkwing Duck, without the feathers.  I looked like a full on FREAK!  I went running full-tilt for the benedryl, drowsiness be damned! 

Naturally, I slept through my alarm.  I had to rush to get to work, feeling the whole time like I was swimming underwater.  I’m pretty sure I shouldn’t have been operating any heavy machinery, like my CAR, but I had to get to work.  Why bother? you may ask, when I was covered in a rash, and my lip, although somewhat smaller, was still larger than Scarlett Johanson’s upper lip, which is really saying something.  And lopsided, did I mention that?  Larger on the upper right side.  Freakish.

But yes, I went to work, because today, of all days, we had a field trip scheduled.  Two field trips a year, and I get crazy hives on the day of trip 2.  While getting myself some coffee in the kitchen, Christy (my boss) noticed my lip, and when I showed her my stomach, she told me in no uncertain terms that I had a serious allergic reaction to something, and needed to call my doctor.  I said, yes, I should, (since now my palms had also swollen and it hurt when I flexed my fingers) but my field trip is today!  She promptly found me a replacement and sent me home.  I felt awful about having to leave, but without anything to relieve my swelling, I would probably have scared off my kids with my platypus bill and ham hands. 

So I grabbed Belle and went home.  When I called my doctor, she told me she was only in for the next hour, so I’d better hightail it in if I wanted to see her.  She took one look at me and said, “Oh, you’re allergic to sulfa,” (an ingredient in Bactrim, which I was taking.)  She gave me Zyrtec and Benedryl, after simply laughing at my query as to whether either came in a “non-drowsy” formula.  Sure enough, when I went home I fell asleep for four hours promptly after taking both pills.  Thank God my mother was willing to watch Belle, because even after I woke up, all I could do was sit on the couch, trying to work up the energy to blink. 

So I’m good to go back to work tomorrow… my hands still hurt a bit, but with my mouth back in proper mouth-shape, I look reasonably human.  The only thing I could really think of all day was the fact that I’m a bridesmaid this weekend.  All I could picture was showing up to the ceremony and Kate shoving me in a closet, lest I ruin the photos by looking like a duck-mutant-girl.  Not that she’d hold it against me of course… at least I don’t think… but honestly, I didn’t want to have to find out! 

However, the drugs worked, because I haven’t been itchy since this morning, and my lips are now nicely plump, like I’ve had a touch of collegen, rather than industrial-grade silicone implants.  In fact, I’d be happy if they stayed this way!

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